In 10 tips for turning conflicts into conversations I focused on tips that help couples address common areas of conflict. These tips were targeted to help couples talk through everyday issues that frequently cause disagreement. This article is intended to focus on how to open up conversation about more sensitive topics.
Recognizing when therapy is needed
Topics that are more sensitive can benefit from discussing them with a couple’s therapist. Many cultures have the belief that it is best for couples to resolve all issues without outside support. However, talking to a therapist is not the same as talking with a friend. Therapists are trained to know how to open up conversation, even if it needs to be done very gradually and gently.
Therapy protects the couples reputation
Some people have the habit of venting to friends, which can damage the friend’s relationship with the spouse. Couples and family therapists are also used to seeing multiple sides of an issue, so even when someone is honest about their challenges, it doesn’t damage the other person’s reputation.
We don’t need therapy
One reason couples therapy can be ineffective is because couples wait too long to seek help. It is better to go to therapy when a problem is small and can be quickly resolved than when there is a lot of distance and resentment. If you aren’t making progress resolving a problem after a couple conversations then the support of a therapist can help with reaching resolution sooner.
How to bring up therapy
Take time to think about what positive things you hope to gain from therapy. Which of these positives would be most appealing to your spouse? You could try phrasing it something like this:
"I've been reflecting on our relationship, and I miss the deep connection we used to share. I believe that couples therapy could provide us with valuable tools and insights to strengthen our bond. What are your thoughts on exploring this option together?"
If your partner isn’t open to going to therapy you can start going to therapy on your own. Role play can be done to help practice conversations and there are some issues which can be improved through only one person engaging in therapy.
Here are some additional tips to help you navigate difficult conversations:
Prepare and plan:
Clearly define the issue at hand and identify your goals for the conversation.
Anticipate potential reactions and think about how you might respond.
Choose the right time and place:
Find a quiet and private space where you can talk without interruptions.
Choose a time when both parties can focus on the conversation without feeling rushed.
Stay calm and composed:
Keep your emotions in check and maintain a calm demeanor.
If you feel your emotions escalating, take a deep breath and pause before responding.
Use "I" statements:
Express your thoughts and feelings using "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory.
For example, say, "I feel frustrated when..." instead of "You always..."
Listen actively:
Give the other person an opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings.
Demonstrate that you are actively listening by nodding, summarizing, and asking clarifying questions.
Empathize:
Put yourself in the other person's shoes to understand their perspective.
Show empathy by acknowledging their feelings and experiences.
Focus on the issue, not the person:
Keep the conversation centered on the specific problem rather than making it personal.
Avoid making sweeping generalizations or bringing up unrelated issues.
Be open to feedback:
Encourage the other person to share their thoughts and concerns openly.
Be willing to consider alternative viewpoints and be open to compromise.
Avoid blame and judgment:
Instead of blaming, focus on finding solutions and working collaboratively.
Use neutral language to prevent the conversation from becoming confrontational.
Seek common ground:
Look for areas of agreement or shared goals to build a foundation for resolving the issue.
Find common values that can serve as a basis for compromise.
Offer solutions:
Work together to brainstorm potential solutions to the problem.
Be open to finding a resolution that satisfies both parties.
Follow up:
Check in with the person after the conversation to see how they are doing and ensure that progress is being made.
Reinforce your commitment to working together to address the issue.
Remember that difficult conversations are a normal part of communication, and approaching them with a positive mindset and effective communication skills can lead to positive outcomes.